Don’t worry, be happy. Be a Harper voter!
Brandon Sun, August 24, 2015 -
Let’s start by dispelling a myth: that Harper does not have a sense of humour. Hello! Have you seen Harper in a cowboy hat? Have you seen Harper in a sweater?
What about Harper appointing Mike Duffy to the Senate? Now, THAT was funny! And, bonus: Duffy is a joke that keeps on giving!
And there is more. What about Harper appointing religious creationist Gary Goodyear as Minister of Science? Take that, “theory” of evolution!
And what about Harper appointing MP Dean Del Mastro as his ethics spokesperson? We got even more laughs when Del Mastro was found guilty of election fraud and went to jail. Seeing a Harper crony in hand cuffs and leg irons shuffling off to a paddy wagon? Hilarious!
But here’s one thing that bothers me: all the unfair criticism of Prime Minister Harper. Take the F-35 fighter jets. (Please! They don’t work and no one else wants them!)
With buying the jets, Harper had two sets of books. For the public, he had a fake, low-ball cost. Harper hid the actual cost, which was higher by billions of dollars.
But, my fellow citizens: come on! No one understands the meaning of “billions of dollars.” It’s just a bunch of zeros. Ever hear of math?
And let’s be realistic. Harper can’t start off by revealing the actual cost. If we knew the real cost, the jets would never be approved!
The endgame for the F-35 saga? Harper will wear us down with years of confusing figures and estimates. We will then be so worn down, we will accept the final price tag, which will be astronomical. We will then also forget that Harper never did actually buy the jets! Well played, sir. Way to support our troops!
Harper’s greatest achievement? Making us ordinary folks feel good. By making university types, bureaucrats and scientists feel miserable!
But who needs research and facts and numbers anyway? So what if Harper has cut the census and science and other useless crap? Arrogant eggheads are whining. But me? Thank you, I feel much better!
Another good thing about Harper? He likes actual fear. Not the make-believe fear that experts tell us we should have. Tree-hugging scientists tell us to worry about the environment years from now? Not Harper: he likes fear that is real and simple. Complicated stuff like climate change or the future? Leave that to our granddaughters to solve!
A real fear today? Terrorism. That’s why we need C-51, Harper’s anti-terrorism law. It’s simple: if you do not have anything nice to say, then you are not allowed to say anything at all! Hey, all you civil liberties complainers: what part of patriotism do you not get?
And what about those Islamic State guys in the Middle East? Great idea to bomb them. Then, after some bombing, we can just cut and run. Like we did in Afghanistan!
Because that’s something else I like about Harper – he knows that we get tired of doing the same thing over and over. So: bomb them for a while. Then: cut and run! Don’t do another Afghanistan – it went on too long. Boring!
Crime is another fear – so I’m happy that Harper is building more prisons. When I walk down the street, I am not worried that Harper has shut down some scholarly institute. But I am worried about who I might run into. I want to feel safe. Lock them all up!
So, some statistics show that the crime rate is down? Well, who wants to listen to some bleeding-heart professor in an ivory tower? What about us – down here at street level? More prisons, please!
Once again, the answer is – like – totally simple. Looking at statistics doesn’t make me feel safe. But looking at a big new prison? Now, that makes me feel safe!
Want to feel good? Want to feel safe? Want to think simply? Or better yet: not think at all?
Don’t worry, be happy. Be a Harper voter!
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Some Reviewed Books:
The War on Drugs:
A Failed Experiment
Why Islam Needs a Reformation Now
Islam and the Future of Tolerance:
The Greatest Show on Earth:
The Evidence for Evolution